she’s mental: Episode 5

well… what should I say? it’s been a bloody while since my last ‘she’s mental’ episode!

I tend to not want to write this kind of content when I feel a bit down or overwhelmed, maybe because I would have to admit that I feel down > I don’t know.

the past couple of months have been quite hard sometimes but now that I feel better, I’m ready to write down my feelings and why I had them.

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there was just A LOT going on: I tried to be the best mum AND wife I could be, I wanted to connect with my friends a bit more, I tried to eat healthy and maybe lose a little weight, I wanted to work out at least 3 times a week, I wanted to do my job in the architectures office good, I wanted my blog and Instagram to succeed > and somehow I felt like I couldn’t make one. thing. happen.

so I really got overwhelmed by all the feelings:
SAD: because I wanted to be the best version of myself but couldn’t find it
ANGRY: because I wanted to do everything on my own but knew I just couldn’t
GUILTY: because I needed a break so bad but I felt like my daughter should always be priority no. 1
TIRED: because all these feels are just so hard to carry
and most of all I was LONELY because I didn’t want to tell anybody about ‘me not getting my shit together’

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so I struggled in silence – I cried a lot when no one could see it and gave my best to make it seem that I got everything together. and what for? absolutely bloody nothing!

now that I feel better I realize that most of my problems could have been solved just by me asking for help > but that is just so blimmin hard! ever since I became a mum I feel like I’m asking for help ALL THE FLIPPIN TIME and that makes me feel so vulnerable and like I owe the ones who help me.

even though I know my mum, sister, aunties, and cousins like to look after Luna when I want or need to do something alone, it kind of makes me cringe a bit every time I ask them.. because it makes me look like I’m not a good mum, like I can’t handle things alone, like I’m not good enough at what I do.

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small eyes run in the family 😀

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but I’m working on my mindset and it got a lot better the last couple days – I feel more relaxed, I don’t stress myself when I didn’t get enough sleep or couldn’t finish a task. I just try to do one thing at a time and enjoy watching my daughter grow up (too fast).

so if you’re still here, after me rambling around for so long, THANK YOU. but also I’M SORRY – I don’t have the answer to feeling overwhelmed or guilty. but I’m constantly trying to find it and I believe that I’ll succeed one day – I’ll definitely let you know ❤

Maruschka x

ps. we took this photo last Sunday on a sponateous trip to the indoor swimming pool in our area ❤

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